Chicago Eats (pt. 2): Tossin' Salad
Continuing this week's Thursday Requests culinary theme. Mike (aka Prime) asked a question in the wake of my revelation that I no longer perform casual oral sex.
Now that we know you don’t suck dick anymore (at least not without protection), what about tossin’ salad?
What’s the big deal with tossin’ salad? I don’t know what it is about brothas, but tossin’ salad has become the new BREATHING. It has been my experience that the single act that guys want to do with me the most is to eat my ass. It doesn’t matter if the guy is passive or aggressive, cute or ugly, bottom or top—men want to munch! When did licking someone’s crack become so fashionable?
I won’t flatter myself into thinking it’s because I have a beautiful brown round bubbling butt—I am sure that helps. But this is something that I think a lot of brothas simply crave. When I am on the Internet or on the telephone chat lines I hear guys talking about how much they love eating a good ass. I think to myself: Have you forgotten what the primary function of the ass is? Don’t you know what comes out of it?
I met a guy named KEENAN back in 2004, and he would go into a trance everytime he saw my ass. He was a top with a real fat piece. He wasn’t too cute, but he was a nice clean guy in good shape. He would insist on eating my ass before we started engaging in intercourse—and that boy would eat, eat, and eat. And he had bad table manners. He would eat so long that he would drool and leave big wet saliva spots on my sheets. I felt like a trough of lettuce at a smorgasbord at Old Country Buffet—just laid out for his enjoyment. We only hooked up like three times, but once he tossed my salad so long I fell asleep while he was doing it. I guess he relaxed me too much.
What’s so crazy to me is getting my salad tossed doesn’t really do anything for me. Granted, its relaxing and somewhat soothing, but that’s it. It’s not like if someone were sucking my dick. But I guess we all have different spots. I was talking to a friend recently who floored me. He told me that he could have an orgasm from someone tossin’ his salad. I was amazed.
“How?” I asked. “You know. Lick, poke, prod, lick…stuff like that,” he responded. I asked, “And all the while you are masturbating, no?” He told me, “Sometimes. It depends on how good they are. If they’re very good. I don’t have to touch myself. If they’re horrible, then I’m masturbating to speed it up.”
I understand different strokes are for different folks. I love my nipples to be played with because I have sensitive nipples. Other folks have dead nipples, you can’t suck them all day and nothing will happen. Maybe I have a dead asshole when it comes to the tossing of the salad.
But to answer Mike (aka Prime’s) question—I am more careful about whose salad I toss than who’s dick I suck. I will eventually suck your dick once I am positive that you have no communicable diseases. It takes a lot more for me to eat someone’s ass. I’ll say this—EVERY ass that I have eaten in my life, was attached to a person I loved.
Now that we know you don’t suck dick anymore (at least not without protection), what about tossin’ salad?
Girl I'm ready to toss yo salad!
--R. Kelly, "Sex in the Kitchen"
What’s the big deal with tossin’ salad? I don’t know what it is about brothas, but tossin’ salad has become the new BREATHING. It has been my experience that the single act that guys want to do with me the most is to eat my ass. It doesn’t matter if the guy is passive or aggressive, cute or ugly, bottom or top—men want to munch! When did licking someone’s crack become so fashionable?
I won’t flatter myself into thinking it’s because I have a beautiful brown round bubbling butt—I am sure that helps. But this is something that I think a lot of brothas simply crave. When I am on the Internet or on the telephone chat lines I hear guys talking about how much they love eating a good ass. I think to myself: Have you forgotten what the primary function of the ass is? Don’t you know what comes out of it?
I met a guy named KEENAN back in 2004, and he would go into a trance everytime he saw my ass. He was a top with a real fat piece. He wasn’t too cute, but he was a nice clean guy in good shape. He would insist on eating my ass before we started engaging in intercourse—and that boy would eat, eat, and eat. And he had bad table manners. He would eat so long that he would drool and leave big wet saliva spots on my sheets. I felt like a trough of lettuce at a smorgasbord at Old Country Buffet—just laid out for his enjoyment. We only hooked up like three times, but once he tossed my salad so long I fell asleep while he was doing it. I guess he relaxed me too much.
What’s so crazy to me is getting my salad tossed doesn’t really do anything for me. Granted, its relaxing and somewhat soothing, but that’s it. It’s not like if someone were sucking my dick. But I guess we all have different spots. I was talking to a friend recently who floored me. He told me that he could have an orgasm from someone tossin’ his salad. I was amazed.
“How?” I asked. “You know. Lick, poke, prod, lick…stuff like that,” he responded. I asked, “And all the while you are masturbating, no?” He told me, “Sometimes. It depends on how good they are. If they’re very good. I don’t have to touch myself. If they’re horrible, then I’m masturbating to speed it up.”
I understand different strokes are for different folks. I love my nipples to be played with because I have sensitive nipples. Other folks have dead nipples, you can’t suck them all day and nothing will happen. Maybe I have a dead asshole when it comes to the tossing of the salad.
But to answer Mike (aka Prime’s) question—I am more careful about whose salad I toss than who’s dick I suck. I will eventually suck your dick once I am positive that you have no communicable diseases. It takes a lot more for me to eat someone’s ass. I’ll say this—EVERY ass that I have eaten in my life, was attached to a person I loved.
posted by Bernard Bradshaw at Thursday, February 03, 2005
6 Comments:
I am SO down with the beige hanky action. Left pocket, right pocket--I don't care. Just pass the Newman's!
Not the beige hanky! Maybe you should have the person do a rusty trombone instead of just a plain ol' salad toss.
Beige is legit. Beige is rimming and rimming only. Now whether or not the salad has been previously washed is up to the participants. There is nothing extra to indicate whether or not one likes (or has) a dirty ass to offer. I think it is assumed that anything involving fecal matter is immediately lumped under the brown hanky. Let's hope the difference between beige and brown is profound. That would be awful if someone misinterpreted and shit all over your face when all you wanted to do was give their hole a decent tongue bath. Gr-fucking-oss.
Well, some people may have dead nipples, but my butt is alive and kicking. Nipples, too, fyi.
He would eat so long that he would drool and leave big wet saliva spots on my sheets. I felt like a trough of lettuce at a smorgasbord at Old Country Buffet...Lettuce and all the fixin's. It sounds like he just needed some Marie's dressing, and was good to go!
Rod
brotha2Brotha
I once had a bootygasm from getting my salad tossed, for those who don't know what a bootygasm is its when you have the same sensation of a wet orgasm, but its internal, my inner thighs shake and I wanna curl up in a big ball after it happens, and oh yeah I tend to clamp down on the guys head uncontrollably when it happens until it passes, has anyone else experienced this?
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