No-Strings Lesbians

We have all been there. You go out on a date, meet someone for the first time, or have sex with a “hook-up” and you realize—instantly—that you want him. No I don’t mean a physical thing—I mean YOU WANT HIM. You want to get to know him and spend some time with him. He is DA BOI, Definitely A Brotha Of Interest. He has the look, the demeanor—that suave masculinity that makes you want to spend more time with him.

This brotha makes you wonder what you have been doing with your romantic life the past few years. He reminds you that it wouldn’t be so bad to be in a relationship, and that it would really be nice to have someone (particularly him) to wake up to in the morning. And for those of us who have a lot of sex, DA BOI leaves you feeling a little empty after you’ve got your groove on, because you really don’t want to see him go home. Oftentimes, he can make you rethink your sex life.

Such is the case with my fellow blogger (and blog name cousin), RUSTY, of Sex and the Country. Who has stuck to his new year resolution to not have anymore one night stands with guys because he is looking for something more. And no, that something more is not a relationship (at least not necessarily). But it’s the lesbian shit.

RUSTY is not just looking for good hard fuck, but the lesbian shit—the kissing, passionate affection, and cuddling that comes before, during, and after sex. I have heard this a lot lately.

RUSTY is not alone. Tons of gay men are looking to engage in the lesbian shit. But amazingly are not interested in a relationship. I recently started talking to a potential (and very attractive) date on AOL who told me:

I am not looking to jump into a relationship with someone. But it would be nice to meet a guy and we could have more than great sex. There could also be intimacy. You know kissing and hugging and gettingwrapped up with a guy. But when you do that with a dude they start catching feelings for you. And I’m not trying to have someone fall for me.

He's not the first guy I talked to who wanted to get kissy-kissy passionate with a guy, and not want any deeper feelings to develop. First, gay men pushed the envelope by having tons of sex “with no strings.” Now it’s intimacy. It begs me to ask the question: Are gay men trying to become no-strings lesbians?

Some guys act like lesbians when they meet DA BOI, and move WAY TOO FAST. Maybe you have heard the following jokes:

Question: What do gay men do on a second date?
Answer: What second date?

Question: What do lesbians do for a second date?
Answer: Hire movers.

Yes, lesbians have a notorious reputation for jumping into relationships and moving in with each other after a week. Everyone should be careful not to move this fast--especially when you meet DA BOI. A friend of mine recently told me that he met a guy at a bar and afterwards went home and had great sex. The guy not only looked awesome, but had an amazing personality. My friend called the guy two days later and asked if he was interested in going on a real date and getting to know each other. The guy gave my friend a flat out--NO.

sigh

There is a lesson to be learned from this story. After you have great sex with DA BOI, don’t call and hire movers.

I told my friend, You’re a gay man, not a lesbian. You are dealing with dudes, you have to move a l-o-t s-l-o-w-e-r.

He asked, But then what do I do?

I told him, Don’t talk about “dates”. Don’t ever use that word. Hook up with him again for sex, and then hang out with him afterwards and see if there’s chemistry.



I have a theory. Most of the world has sex in the following progression:

MODEL 1 (heterosexual norm)
Meet. DATE 1:Movie. DATE 2: Dining Out. DATE 3: Rent a video. DATE 4: Fuck.

It is a progression that starts outdoors (public) and gradually moves indoors (to the private) where the two of you have sex. But often gay guys have following progression:

MODEL 2 (sexually liberal norm)
Meet. DATE 1: Fuck.

After this great first date sex guys want to hurry up and go out on a date with a guy. They want to go from indoors (private intimate) to outdoors--in one step. That’s a pretty harsh transition to go from naked to being fully clothed with someone in public. Think about it. The hetero norm is to start with your clothes on, and then progress into the bedroom. Maybe it makes sense to do the same thing in reverse, if you start off naked in the bedroom.

What I suggest is introduce some intervening steps. Don’t jump from DATE 1: Fuck to DATE 2: Dining Out. Start to “date” the guy in the place where everything popped off—the private bedroom. Begin with simply hanging out with the guy. Determine whether you enjoy resting and relaxing after sex. Watch television post-coitus. See if it progresses to a sleepover.

I know there is some person out there fuming as he or she reads this post. They’re probably asking:

Why play all the games? You can’t just go out with a guy on a date?

My answer is: Yes, you most certainly can. But your chance to go out on a date with someone is BEFORE you jump into the sack. Because once you jump into the sack (unfortunately) things change and people start getting weird.

I had sex with a guy once, and I knew if I asked him to go on a date he would have said no. But one day after a long sex session I complained that I was starving. So the two of us jumped in his car at 1AM and found a late night diner to get something to eat. If I had asked the guy, “Hey, let’s go on a date.” It would have been jarring. But when I told him I was hungry after sex—its was a natural progression from the place where we started. And guess what? We eventually started going to dinner without sex.

The point is—go with the flow. Take it slow. If you take it slow, you are more likely to see whether his actual persona is the same as your first impression of him.