Chicago's Next Top Model
Ok, Ok. I know my blog is called Sex and the Second City. And I haven't really been talking about any sex lately. Its not my fault. For some reason, I cannot get laid. Even though its only been about two weeks, this is one of the longest droughts I've experienced. I hope to change this pretty soon, and start showcasing some of the sex in this city.
Instead of sex, I have been passing my time watching reality television. And last week was a big week for the reality tv genre. First, Donald Trump announced his new Apprentice in a three-hour snooze-a-palooza. And (un?)fortunately, Eva the Diva was crowned America's Next Top Model over my girl Yaya. America's Next Top Model is one of those reality shows that really delivers on the drama. We got to see:
(1) the first all black reality tv finale (Eva and Yaya)
(2) Amanda, the blind woman trying to be a supermodel, &
(3) a whole bunch of women obsessing about their weight, and occasionally throwing up.
But men are also obsessed with their weight (as seen on Bravo's awful male version of ANTM, called Manhunt--hosted by the inflatable Carmen Electra). Today we see that men are working out, exercising, eating healthy--hell, men are doing the damn thing! Why? Because women (and gay men) want men that look good.
I saw evidence of this recently when I met a guy named OneHourSpa in an AOL Chat room. His profile offered a free one-hour escape of delectable massage as you visualize your perfect vacation get-a-way. His "offer" was only open to men who were capable of completing the following mathematical equation:
(1) Multiply your weight (in pounds) by 703.
(2) Divide the product of #1 above by the square of your height in inches.
If the answer was less than 27, then you could get his free spa treatment. I thought his mathematical ritual was a bit odd, so I decided to Google it, and when I found out what it was I was shocked. It was an equation to calculate Body Mass Index (your percentage of body fat).
What is going on? Are we really requiring people to calculate their Body Mass Index before we even entertain the idea of fucking them? What ever happened to the usual ridiculous stats requirements? Height: over 6 feet. Weight: between 150-175. Waist size: 32". Dick length/thickness: 10x6. Now, in addition to all that, we need a calculator or a body caliper to measure our fat. Maybe its because we are watching all of this Reality TV. Could shows like ANTM, Manhunt, and the upcoming Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search be making people think that the only bodies worth dating are supermodels?
We are even starting to see top models on local television. I was up late one night watching a local weekly television show called Chicagoing. This week the show had a crew of models wearing cocktail and party fashions for the holiday season. One black male model in particular made me get close to the tv set. He wore these maroon velvet pants, a fitted turtle neck, and a dark suede/velvet blazer. He was H to the O to the T T T. I learned that his name was Brandon, and with a lot of detective work (cyber stalking) I found out his full name and that he was a Ford model. And I found some pictures of him. He looked a lot more charming on television.
What surprised me watching Brandon on television was that he looked amazingly awkward, as though he had never stood before a camera. I thought yo myself, fuck, if a professional looks that timid on television--then maybe I can be a model. I have the height, an interesting enuff look, but there's one problem--I don't meet that lean/thin requirement. After looking through scores of Ford model pics and stats, I've learned that most of these guys are some svelte bitches (32" waist, but usually lower). I have a 33-34 waist.
In the female fashion world, there is a such thing as the "plus sized female model"., But what about the men? There are no plus sized male models! That's kinda fucked. So I have decided that I am going to be America's First Top Plus Sized Male Model. Maybe if I become a model (albeit a plus sized one), I'll have a better chance getting some action.
Instead of sex, I have been passing my time watching reality television. And last week was a big week for the reality tv genre. First, Donald Trump announced his new Apprentice in a three-hour snooze-a-palooza. And (un?)fortunately, Eva the Diva was crowned America's Next Top Model over my girl Yaya. America's Next Top Model is one of those reality shows that really delivers on the drama. We got to see:
(1) the first all black reality tv finale (Eva and Yaya)
(2) Amanda, the blind woman trying to be a supermodel, &
(3) a whole bunch of women obsessing about their weight, and occasionally throwing up.
But men are also obsessed with their weight (as seen on Bravo's awful male version of ANTM, called Manhunt--hosted by the inflatable Carmen Electra). Today we see that men are working out, exercising, eating healthy--hell, men are doing the damn thing! Why? Because women (and gay men) want men that look good.
I saw evidence of this recently when I met a guy named OneHourSpa in an AOL Chat room. His profile offered a free one-hour escape of delectable massage as you visualize your perfect vacation get-a-way. His "offer" was only open to men who were capable of completing the following mathematical equation:
(1) Multiply your weight (in pounds) by 703.
(2) Divide the product of #1 above by the square of your height in inches.
If the answer was less than 27, then you could get his free spa treatment. I thought his mathematical ritual was a bit odd, so I decided to Google it, and when I found out what it was I was shocked. It was an equation to calculate Body Mass Index (your percentage of body fat).
What is going on? Are we really requiring people to calculate their Body Mass Index before we even entertain the idea of fucking them? What ever happened to the usual ridiculous stats requirements? Height: over 6 feet. Weight: between 150-175. Waist size: 32". Dick length/thickness: 10x6. Now, in addition to all that, we need a calculator or a body caliper to measure our fat. Maybe its because we are watching all of this Reality TV. Could shows like ANTM, Manhunt, and the upcoming Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search be making people think that the only bodies worth dating are supermodels?
We are even starting to see top models on local television. I was up late one night watching a local weekly television show called Chicagoing. This week the show had a crew of models wearing cocktail and party fashions for the holiday season. One black male model in particular made me get close to the tv set. He wore these maroon velvet pants, a fitted turtle neck, and a dark suede/velvet blazer. He was H to the O to the T T T. I learned that his name was Brandon, and with a lot of detective work (cyber stalking) I found out his full name and that he was a Ford model. And I found some pictures of him. He looked a lot more charming on television.
What surprised me watching Brandon on television was that he looked amazingly awkward, as though he had never stood before a camera. I thought yo myself, fuck, if a professional looks that timid on television--then maybe I can be a model. I have the height, an interesting enuff look, but there's one problem--I don't meet that lean/thin requirement. After looking through scores of Ford model pics and stats, I've learned that most of these guys are some svelte bitches (32" waist, but usually lower). I have a 33-34 waist.
In the female fashion world, there is a such thing as the "plus sized female model"., But what about the men? There are no plus sized male models! That's kinda fucked. So I have decided that I am going to be America's First Top Plus Sized Male Model. Maybe if I become a model (albeit a plus sized one), I'll have a better chance getting some action.
posted by Bernard Bradshaw at Monday, December 20, 2004
2 Comments:
33-34 waist is plus sized? Jesus Christ. And I did that equation; I'm more than 27. Oh well.
Most of the male moels I know have teeny tiny waists. I'm a 32 and I'd be pushing it, LOL.
PS: I met Brandon in NYC. Looks great, has the conversation prowess of .... a model!
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