The Sleepover Problem

When I left off at yestersday's post, FRIEND and I had just finished a 2 hour plus bang session with the slim, light complected, muscular, half black/half puerto rican (aren't they all today?), lieing wannabe soldier--bka (better known as) ENRIQUE.

He had asked for some food (which I didn't get him) and had pulled the covers over him and got settled in a for a post-coital nap. I was petrified. He had invited himself to sleepover. FRIEND and I looked at each other and didn't know what to do.

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If you are a single man in the new millenium, and you have guests over for casual sex you will eventually face:

The Sleepover Problem

The Sleepover Problem occurs after you and your casual fling have had sex (usually great sex) and you're both exhausted and basking in the after glow and the other guy curls up next to you and asks (if he's direct), "Can I sleepover?"

Now it's 1 am in the morning and after that orgasm you were looking forward to saying goodbye and stretching out on your queen size bed for a night of good sleep and dreams before waking up in the morning. You're not interested in the fling, and you know if he stays you can kiss that good night of sound sleep bye-bye. After all, he's a stranger in your bed--he might murder you in your sleep (see the smilingDL's murder post)

There are a number of ways to deal with the Sleepover Problem. And they can be summed up as defensive and offensive measures.

Defensive

The first is ANTICIPATION. If you are truly worried about a fuck turning into a sleepover--don't have late night flings. You can't have a guy sleepover if its the middle of the day and it is not sleepy time. During the pre-late night hours, it is safe to walk the streets and public transportation is still running. Therefore, few excuses exist for the person to stay.

The second defensive sleepover measure is called PENCILING HIM IN. You are a man of the millenium no? That mean's you are busy and you have things to do. Let any guy know in advance that you have something to do at 2am in the morning. Yes, you have something to do. And don't make it something lame like, "I have to go to bed so I can get up in the morning." Because after you have sex, your little sleepover monkey will want to follow you between the sheets. No, PENCILING HIM IN means you have to tell him that you are doing something AWAY from your home. What praytell could you be doing at 2am? A number of things. Going to a late night birthday party (at a friends), going to work (he doesn't know you don't work the late shift), or that you have to drive someone to the airport (this last example works for southside Chicago people because the major airport--O'Hare --is so far away it takes an hour to get to even in 3am early morning traffic).

My personal favorite is to tell guys that I am working (at my late night second shift) and that I am hooking up on my 1am lunch break.

Offensive

So you didn't think in advance? Or maybe you were really feeling the guy before sex and let him know that your evening was open, but after the sex you realized that you really wanted him to go home. There are still solutions.

The first is BE DIRECT. Don't play games, be upfront. Say, "I don't think it's a good idea that you sleepover. I don't sleep well with new people, and I have an early morning. It's probably best that you leave." If you like the guy make sure you tell him that you would really like to hook up again. If you don't, then don't worry about it. The direct approach is always the easiest, and least time consuming. But there's something about being human that doesn't let us be direct. And in line with that, here are the more dramatic offensive measures...

Be PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Play loud music. Fart. Turn-on the TV. Leave the lights on. Cop an attitude. Turn the heat up high or raise a window when it's cold. I am against this tactic--it takes too long and may only inconvenience you in the long run.

And last, but certainly not least: TELECOMMUNICATIONS DEFENSIVE PRACTICES. Remember, we have a whole world out there to help us be deceitful--the tech world. The more technology you have, the better. The simplest way to get out of a situation is with a telephone and a little acting. Have your home telephone ring (either call yourself from your cell phone when he's not looking, OR excuse yourself and call a friend, and tell him to call you back in ten minutes). When your home telephone rings--start the Oscar performance. "Why are you calling me so late? You need some money?/You were in an accident?/You're in jail/The machine broke?"

When you get off the phone, tell the guy that that was your little sister/friend/cousin/boss and that you need to go because they were stranded/car got totaled/were arrested/had a piece of equipment break at work. Apologize. Pretend you're getting dressed to leave. And have him get the hell out.

Don't forget to think outside the box. Be innovative and make the technology work for you. For example, leave your cell phone in the room where the guy is. Then get on your computer and text message your cell phone (send multiple texts to make it seem like someone is really trying to get in touch with you). Most cell phone plans allow you to visit their web site and send electronic text messages to the phones they service. When you re-enter the room, he will surely tell you that your cell phone was blowing up.

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Before you go thinking I am some heartless deceitful bastard. I let ENRIQUE spend the night--even though I didn't sleep well. It was cold as hell that night (like 4 degrees), and since he didn't have a car, I couldn't let a dog--let alone a fellow human being--walk around that late trying to catch Chicago's owl service sporadic public transportation. But you better believe his ass was out at sunrise.