Chitlin' Circuit

chitlin circuit (n.):
A circuit of nightclubs and theaters that feature African-American performers.

As I mentioned in Serving Betty--I love food. One night recently I was hanging out with FRIEND playing video games and we both got the late night munchies for some breakfast food. I thought for a moment and suggested that we eat at one of my favorite former dives--the Gay IHOP (3760 N. Halsted Street, corner of Halsted and Grace) on the northern border of Chicago's Boystown. The Gay IHOP is a lot like an airport--its usually loud and bustling with people, there are cute busboys and servers buzzing around like flight attendants, and queens are arriving and departing on the quarter hour.

While at the restaurant I couldn't help but be reminded of ALAN--a white guy who used to work at the Gay IHOP and who was one of my first experiences with a White Chocolate Chaser.

I met ALAN on AOL during the summer of 1997. He described himself as a 5'11", 165lb ,blond haired, blue eyed, Sting look-a-like--who worked at the Gay IHOP. We talked on the phone and instantly hit it off. I was young, dumb, and looking for love in all the wrong people. In my misguided youth, I thought ALAN had potential.

I immediately called my best friend DEE and told him about my latest AOL date. DEE started asking me all sorts of questions like, "He works at GayHOP?" I told him yes. Then he asked me, "Does he look like Sting a little bit?" I responded, "Yeah, how did you know that?" DEE asked one more question, "Is his name ALAN?" How did he know?

DEE told ALAN was his waiter the previous night. He and some friends went to the GayHOP after a night of clubbing. He told me, "Alan was flirting with all of us. But he took to me particularly hard. He even sat next to me and tried to eat my food. Very flirty."

I wasn't really paying attention to the story. I only wanted to know one thing: Is he good-looking?

DEE answered, "He really does look like Sting. He's in good shape. I mean he's no supermodel, but he's not bad."

The next day I met ALAN in Chicago's Lakeview neighborhood to dine at the overhyped, but nevertheless famous Giordano's Pizzeria (1040 W. Belmont). He wasn't a bad looking white guy, and he did look like a young Sting. But looks didn't matter. I was just so excited to be on a date I didn't know what to do.

Lunch was nice. We joked. Had a few laughs. There was sexual banter. No fireworks, but a few sparks. There was definitely mutual interest. ALAN had to end our lunch date and go to work. Luckil, the GayHOP was nearby. I decided to walk him to work.

As we walked north on Halsted to the GayHOP, the level of sexual banter started to rise in the hotness department. ALAN looked at me and said, "I really would like to do something with you before I go to work. I think you are so attractive." I was at that age when if you paid me a compliment, I turned to putty. I responded, "We can always hook up later. We could never get to our apartments in time for you to get to work." The level of intensity rose on ALAN's face, "I know, I know. But we can go in there."

We had just walked up to a non-descrip little place on Halsted THE MACHINE SHOP. "What's this place?" I asked. "We can go in there and get busy," he replied.

I didn't like the idea of going into a place called "The Machine Shop" to have sex with a guy I had just went on a date with. Why couldn't he wait for a more suitable time, when we wouldn't be rushed? Why not wait for a nice clean apartment--instead of some hot smelly sex shop with stalls?

But I went into that dirty place. And we found a stall and he sucked my dick and for the first time in my life I came in someone's mouth. I was shocked when he started talking to me--because I didn't see him spit my nut. He had swallowed it. I knew then I was dealing with something I had never encountered before.

We left, and he went to work. He said that he was going to call me, but he never did. I felt bad. I was young and I thought I wasn't good enough, or cute enough. But time soon showed that I wasn't the one with the problem...

***

About a year later DEE called me, "Guess what, CRAIG hooked up with GayHOP ALAN!"

CRAIG is a short brother that DEE and I have known for years. He is closer to DEE than me, but he is always a barrel of laughs. Or I should say to laugh at. He is a good looking guy, caramel complected. He takes an hour to get ready before going to the club because he has to apply his make-up. He buys clothes on a weekly basis from Express, the Gap, BananaRepublic--you name it. Like me, he loves cologne, but keeps his fragrances in the refigerator because "it helps them keep their potency longer."

In many ways, CRAIG is deluded. His Internet dating profiles claim that he is black mixed with Cherokee and Irish. Like DEE, he attends church regularly--but thinks that being gay is a sin. So much so that he often discusses his eventual (and I might add serious) plans of getting married to a woman and having children. Though I should remind you that CRAIG is the first brotha to take his shirt off in the gay discotheque to reveal his tattoos and piercings. He's also the guy in the club always complaining, "Why is everybody watching me and all up in my grill?"

You might think by my description that I don't like CRAIG. Don't get annoyance confused with dislike. I tease him constantly, but deep down I care deeply for him--and would come to his defense in a heartbeat. Though I am not sure he would do the same if I were in need.

"CRAIG hooked up with ALAN?" I screamed, "What the fuck?"

DEE went on to tell me that CRAIG met this white guy at Roscoe's who had an uncanny resemblance to Sting. The guy took CRAIG home and sucked him to completion.

DEE: Was his name ALAN?
CRAIG: How did you know?
DEE: Because BERNARD hooked up with him a year ago, and he did the same thing to him.
CRAIG: I am not going to see ALAN again.

Did I mention that CRAIG is a bit of a hater? He thinks that I am an awful person. I was very happy to learn that Mr. CRAIG Perfection got my sloppy seconds. But just like me, CRAIG was impressed by ALAN's oral skills. ALAN was like a vampire and blood--sucking up black nut as though he depended on it to sustain his life force...

***

A year after the CRAIG incident, DEE made a visit to the local gay country club: Steamworks--Chicago's premier gay bathhouse. He was cruising the place, looking for his next trick, when he came face to face with ALAN. It was like a showdown in a hallway. ALAN looked DEE up and down and focused his eyes on DEE's dick. DEE said to him, "Oh I heard about you." ALAN asked, "What did you hear?" DEE fired back, "That you're good." ALAN smiled, "Why don't find out?" And shortly afterwards, ALAN swallowed another serving of chocolate nut.

***

"It's funny how we all had ALAN." DEE told me years later. H e started paraphrasing a scene from The Color Purple (where Danny Glover is speaking to Shug Avery's husband), "You had him your way, CRAIG had him his way, and I had him my way, but we all had him."

I replied, "Yeah, in some way, I can't help but think that he had us. We were nothing but chocolate candy to him. Free sperm donors to take nut from and then discard. Think about it--he turned us into a damn chitlin' circuit--and made his rounds on us and got what he wanted."

"Yeah, well I know I gotta nut. I got what I wanted from him." DEE said.

I laughed, "But unlike you and CRAIG, at least I got a lunch from Giordano's out of him."

To which DEE responded, "You're right. Keeping reaching for the stars Bernard."