Lighter Shade in the Winter (pt. 1 The Revenge)

A few nights ago, I was horny as hell. My friend, JAMES (big pipe, bad breath), has been out of town for a minute. So, I called a local telephone chat line to help me take care of business. On this phone chat line, you record a message, then go browsing through the messages of other people who are also currently on the phone line or "on line". The line, except for a few sprinkles of salt y sazon, is filled with black men that are cruising, looking for phone sex, relationships, conversation, physical connections, or are playing games. Everyone on the line is a "dime piece," is "masculine", is "tight" and has a "flat stomach." Everyone tells you what they are not looking for: "No fats, no fems, no heavyweights, no drag queens, no thick niggas, no sissies." But few people tell you what they ARE looking for.

I left the most straightforward message imaginable:
"This message goes to the men that are looking for sex NOW. If you are looking for an inshape brother who is SERIOUS about an immediate hook-up. This is B, discrete, low key, high sex drive. Get at me."

So I started cruising a few messages, and I get a response to my message:
"Hey man, this is CHRIS, I am 6 feet, 180 lbs, I am light-skinned and I have green eyes. I am a real nice guy, laid back, and by the way, my dick is 10 x 6."

I immediately hit him up for a live one-on-one connection. His stats sounded great, and I won't lie, I was intrigued about this huge piece he supposedly had. Though I was a little cautious, because he sounded, from the manner in which he spoke his description, like he thought he was real cute (stuck up). But I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

So a few seconds later, we were talking. I found out that we lived in the same neighborhood. And I started asking him about what he was into. He said that he liked a lot of body contact, and when it came to anal sex, he was mostly a top, but that he didn't really do that too often, because his dick was so large. I got turned on hearing that. But I usually have eyes that are bigger than my stomach, or should I say asshole--so I wasn't salivating. Overall, he sounded cool, until he told me: "You know, I want to be honest with you. You sound great, but I am not really looking to have sex tonight."

I thought to myself, why did this guy hit me up and waste my time? Especially after my voice message EXPLICITLY said that I was looking to have sex tonight--NOW.

Surprisingly, I didn't get upset. As horny as I was. I remained chilled.
"So why did you hit me up man?" I asked calmly. He replied, "I don't know. It was something about your voice, that I really liked. It was like I was supposed to hit you up or something. I really hope that we can talk."

I was really frustrated at this point, but I didn't indicate it in my voice. I told him that it was cool, and that we could talk a little more if he wanted. I have learned not to get pissy with guys who might later become good acquantances--or potential fuck buddies.

But like I said, I was horny, and I was asking some really graphic questions: What kind of guys do you like? How often do you get down? Do you enjoy a dick in your ass? How do you like to fuck? Do guys take that big dick?

I guess my questions offended him (even though he answered all of them). One moment he was mentioning how we need to get together, and that he thought I was cool, and the next second I heard a BEEP. He had clicked me off and moved on to another connection.

Words cannot describe the level of pissed off that I was. That motherfucker clicked me off after I was trying to be cool with him! After he had deliberately ignored my message that I was looking for sex and tried to pull the friendship call? What a bitch ass punk.

Centuries ago, when William Congreve originated the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" he must not have known very many gay men. I say this because I count myself among those that when crossed (or done wrong) I will take that shit to the streets. I don't know what it was, but I was determined to get this motherfucker back. Now don't misunderstand me, I don't feel like this chump "wronged me." It's not like that at all. I have been hung up on before on the phone line. I have had plenty of people click me and move on (and I have clicked lots of guys myself). But it was something about his palpable duplicitous cockiness that roared to be put in check. It was like a challenge. And I was feeling like it was my duty to take it on.

So I changed my outgoing message, disguised my voice--found his message again, and hit him up again--pretending to be a new person. The sucker fell for it. And we chatted for like an hour. I soon realized that he was telling the same tired story--how he was an extremely attractive guy, who modeled occasionally, and was going to school. I played him real cool. I knew everything I needed to know about him, so I didn't act that interested. This time CHRIS gave me his phone number. And he insisted that we try to get together soon.

Over the next few days, he kept calling me telling me how busy he was, and how he wanted to get together. I don't understand why some people want to feel so important. Why not just call when you're ready to meet.

Anyway he called me tonight. And we had a stupid conversation. He kept complaining about how cold it was outside--and I told him that I liked the winter. He said, "Yeah, well the only reason I like winter is because my skin gets lighter." I asked him whether that was a good thing. And he told me that he likes his skin to be light. I was done. I really cannot stand black self-hatred, especially when it comes to skin color.

Then this guy started to sing some high pitched gospel tune into the phone. I was silent. He started laughing, "Oh I'm sorry. I just felt like putting out." If I didn't know it before, I finally had my confirmation that this guy was a G I R L.

He went on to tell me more useless details about himself, like the fact that he needs to save some money so that he can go into "the studio" to record some demo tapes, take pictures of himself, and travel to different record companies so he could "drop some tracks." When I pushed him to name the companies he planned on visiting, he paused, mentioned Capitol Records, and then said, "Anyone that will take me. I mean, I know I don't have the greatest voice, but I can hold a tune. And I am not that bad. But that's why I want to take the pictures, because basically I am going to use my looks to get me into the door."

Did he really just say that? I absolutely have to meet this guy. I have to see what he looks like. I almost feel compelled to play this chump who thinks so highly of himself--and who hung up on me the other night. Maybe I'll sex him real good, and tell him to get the fuck out. Ok maybe that's taking it to the extreme.

Regardless, we are planning to meet today at lunch. Hopefully his flakey ass will follow through. Stay tuned.